Saturday, September 7, 2013

Tips for posting Craigslist personals

1. Do not post a picture of your penis if you penis is funny looking.
     1a. All penises are funny looking.

2. If you want to post your face, do not post your penis along with it.
     2a. Especially if you are in any sort of military uniform.
     2b. Near a military post. (I am genuinely surprised that I didn't see any uniform posts showing the person's name. It's like the lesson was so close to being learned... so close!

3. Nobody wants to see a pic of your penis in a condom. Or outside of a condom. Or in your hand. Seriously, NOBODY WANTS TO SEE YOUR PENIS!

4. If you insist on posting a pic of your penis, please consider the angle.

5. Use proper English. "Tryna" is not a word in any language. On any planet. Ever.Slang be damned.

6. If you are a bigger girl, cropping a picture at an awkward angle is not going to hide your size. It's only going to make you look bigger. There are ways to take a selfie to hide your extra chins. I know, I use the technique all the time.

7. If you're looking for someone specific, BE SPECIFIC. "I saw you in the parking lot loading groceries in your car. You drove a black car." OH! Yeah, that person....with the head....I know who that is. *headslam*

8. If you are writing a message to someone you see all the time and occasionally talk to, DON'T. Grow a pair and ask that person out face to face. "I'm shy..." STOP BEING A BITCH! If you already talk with this person and have some sort of rapport then take the next step. I was a sophomore in high school when I asked my friend to go out with me. (He said no, which I had expected but the fact is that I did it. I was 15!)

9. If your girlfriend is out of town for the night and you want to get laid 'No strings attached" go to a bar like a normal dirtbag.

10. If the title of your post is, "I'm not a stalker," just stop. You are totally a stalker. Go find a 12-step program.

11. If somebody on line at the store/post office/doctor's office makes eyes at you, that doesn't mean that person wants to sleep with you. They were probably looking at you so they could give a detailed description to the sketch artist.

12. "I'm married and want to stay that way." THEN WHY ARE YOU LOOKING FOR SOMEONE TO FUCK ON THE SIDE? That's NOT how marriage works.

13. Looking for two guys to bang you in front of your husband is not a healthy way to get even for your husband cheating on him. Or maybe it is. In Bizzaro World.

14. A lot is two words. Same with a little.

15. If you are a serious massage therapist, don't advertise your practice on CL Missed Connections. Especially when you say you only massage women. Yup, seems legit. Wait, you want me to meet you in that van parked down by the river? The one that says "Free candy with every massage?" I'm totes there.

16. If you have to state in your ad that you're "the shit," you are not. Shit, perhaps, but not THE SHIT.

17. If you are a man do not state you can provide oral pleasure "better than a lesbian." I am not a lesbian, nor have I ever been with one, but from all the porn I've read/seen I'm pretty sure your claims are false.

18. "Where the Ladie$ at?" Staying the hell away from you.

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