The best conversation ever

This happened. Warning: It may be offensive to some. It is full of sacrilegious and blasphemous theories. There is some mild vegetarian/vegan insults, as well as a brief officer insult observation. The names have been shortened to letters because I felt like it. It also contains a link to one of my favorite clips from The Simpsons. There. There's your warning.

Easter on Facebook

Me:  Happy Zombie Jesus Day!
JS:  YESS!!
LM:  Jesus isn't a zombie... He's a vampire
Me:  He died and came back from the dead. That is the very definition of a zombie.

JS:  I know some officers who fit this definition
Me: Fair point.

LM:  Yeah... But the same is true for vamps! Plus, he tells us to drink his blood and live forever...
JS:  Jesus. Or as our friends south of the border call him, Jesus is neither. He is a necromancer with an Oedipus complex and daddy issues. He's Teflon and a great dude to have at a party. Peekaboo is not a game to play with him
-written from hell

Me:  But if he were a vampire, HE'D be the one drinking blood. And he would have had to be bitten by a vampire to become one (according to lore). So while yes, a person gets bitten, dies, and then reanimates as a vampire, the main thing keeping him in zombie status is that he doesn't drink blood to infect other people to also turn them into risen messiah-figures.
Me:  And, if I want to get VERY sacrilegious it could be argued that technically zombies eat brains. Well, in certain cases doesn't it seem that super religious people are brainwashed? So perhaps this zombie is metaphorically "eating" their brains.
Me:  J, I'll see you in hell.
AS:  ^ brilliant thought

LM: I think he was always a vampire... He did raise Lazarus from the dead before he was risen. Maybe Jesus was one of those nice zombies that only sucks the blood of bunny rabbits so he doesn't have to hurt people.
LM: Vampire! Not zombie! Haha
Me:  Damnit. Forgot about Lazarus. I'm still on Team Zombie, though.
LML: Lol

AS:  Could be a vegetarian zombie like me, "Grains"
Me:  A vegetarian zombie makes as much sense as Vegan breastmilk.
AS:  Ouch. I will never be able to hurt anyone. If zombie-hood were to approach. Lol.
Me: This is seriously the best conversation I've been a part of.
Me:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UUnH9NECSUU
The Simpsons - Sacrilicious
Homer eats the waffle God.
AS:  Hahaha!!! I will be saying that often now.


JS:  I'm leaning a tad toward vampire. How else could billions call him Father if they weren't "changed" by his blood. Unless he's a pimp. Then that's ball game

Reason #42 Why I Got Married

Neck zits.

Or really, any zit in a spot that I can't reach. But today's inspiration comes from a horrific zit I have on my neck.

It hurts! I can see it, I can touch it, but any time I try to squeeze it (you know, to remove it) the pain I feel makes me stop and weep like an infant. And then it just grows bigger, redder, and angrier. The huge whitehead in the middle starts mocking me. It has become almost comical--like an over-exaggerated zit you'd see on a TV or movie character. You know the kind. And all I want to do is pop it.

This is where I miss my husband. Because he would pop it for me. It would hurt, and I would cry, but then it would be gone. Because, yes, my husband pops my zits. And I return the favor. We're humans....WE'RE PRIMATES! This is what we're hard-wired to do. And honestly, there are few things on this earth as satisfying as popping something off of your own body, or the body of your significant other.

So now I will clean my house with my neck throbbing and be silently judged by you all reading this who want to pretend you have never popped a zit, and that you don't know just how good it feels sometimes. Good day.

In which I vent way too hard about Candy Crush

Dear Candy Crush Level 133, and your sidekick, Creepy Sexy-Time Voice Guy,


Stop. Just stop. That move was neither sweet nor divine. If I hear you say, "Tasty!" one more time without me beating this level I will....Oh, who am I kidding. I'll keep playing. I'll hate myself, but I'll keep playing.

I understand that I have to get all Daft Punk on this level, but it's not happening. Maybe I need Pharrell near me to help me get some. Will he help me get two sprinkle candies right next to each other when I have nothing but a few jellies left? Because if so, I'd better get my stalking boots on and stay up all night 'til the sun.

I really do hate you, but I can't stay away. You're the stereotypical "bad boy" I read about in all those angsty novels growing up. But guess what? You're not the only one with a pack of smokes rolled up in your sleeve, revving all through town like Cool Rider. I can smoke more than you! I can ride better than you! (Well, okay, that's kind of an exaggeration. I do not know how to drive a motorcycle, but I can ride bitch like nobody's business!) I bet I can pound a jukebox back to life better than your wannabe-Fonzie ass; my anger towards you will give me Hulk-like strength and I would probably beat the hell out of the jukebox but that's neither here nor there. Sure, Patsy Cline's Crazy LP would probably skip at the lyric, "Crazy, for feeling this way....for feeling this way....for feeling this way..." and the irony would not be lost on me. I DO NOT GET LOST ON IRONY! I get lost on post. I get lost in town. But Irony? I'm motherfuckin' Lewis and Clark when it comes to Irony.

So, please, stop sucking the life out of me. Stop making me hate myself over you. Stop trying to sexy-time whisper words of encouragement as I clear four sets of three matching candies.

Who has two thumbs and is showing you no love?

This girl!

Tips for posting Craigslist personals

1. Do not post a picture of your penis if you penis is funny looking.
     1a. All penises are funny looking.

2. If you want to post your face, do not post your penis along with it.
     2a. Especially if you are in any sort of military uniform.
     2b. Near a military post. (I am genuinely surprised that I didn't see any uniform posts showing the person's name. It's like the lesson was so close to being learned... so close!

3. Nobody wants to see a pic of your penis in a condom. Or outside of a condom. Or in your hand. Seriously, NOBODY WANTS TO SEE YOUR PENIS!

4. If you insist on posting a pic of your penis, please consider the angle.

5. Use proper English. "Tryna" is not a word in any language. On any planet. Ever.Slang be damned.

6. If you are a bigger girl, cropping a picture at an awkward angle is not going to hide your size. It's only going to make you look bigger. There are ways to take a selfie to hide your extra chins. I know, I use the technique all the time.

7. If you're looking for someone specific, BE SPECIFIC. "I saw you in the parking lot loading groceries in your car. You drove a black car." OH! Yeah, that person....with the head....I know who that is. *headslam*

8. If you are writing a message to someone you see all the time and occasionally talk to, DON'T. Grow a pair and ask that person out face to face. "I'm shy..." STOP BEING A BITCH! If you already talk with this person and have some sort of rapport then take the next step. I was a sophomore in high school when I asked my friend to go out with me. (He said no, which I had expected but the fact is that I did it. I was 15!)

9. If your girlfriend is out of town for the night and you want to get laid 'No strings attached" go to a bar like a normal dirtbag.

10. If the title of your post is, "I'm not a stalker," just stop. You are totally a stalker. Go find a 12-step program.

11. If somebody on line at the store/post office/doctor's office makes eyes at you, that doesn't mean that person wants to sleep with you. They were probably looking at you so they could give a detailed description to the sketch artist.

12. "I'm married and want to stay that way." THEN WHY ARE YOU LOOKING FOR SOMEONE TO FUCK ON THE SIDE? That's NOT how marriage works.

13. Looking for two guys to bang you in front of your husband is not a healthy way to get even for your husband cheating on him. Or maybe it is. In Bizzaro World.

14. A lot is two words. Same with a little.

15. If you are a serious massage therapist, don't advertise your practice on CL Missed Connections. Especially when you say you only massage women. Yup, seems legit. Wait, you want me to meet you in that van parked down by the river? The one that says "Free candy with every massage?" I'm totes there.

16. If you have to state in your ad that you're "the shit," you are not. Shit, perhaps, but not THE SHIT.

17. If you are a man do not state you can provide oral pleasure "better than a lesbian." I am not a lesbian, nor have I ever been with one, but from all the porn I've read/seen I'm pretty sure your claims are false.

18. "Where the Ladie$ at?" Staying the hell away from you.